Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
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*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?