me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
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I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
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FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
look at me when i’m typing to you
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything