Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
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*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
He’s cranky this morning
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.