me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
You Might Also Like
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/