me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
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Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.