ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
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wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Had a spot of bother earlier.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too