ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
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When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*