Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
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No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
how high up are we talkin’?
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.