Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
You Might Also Like
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
they split up moments later
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.