me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
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Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-