ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
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Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude