Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
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me: may I clear your plates?
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now