girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
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Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?