ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
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Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock