me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
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I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.