ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
You Might Also Like
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
won’t smith
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.