ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
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*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
All excellent questions
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
We are the people our parents warned us about.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter