Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
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A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣