Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
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wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!