ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
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[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
@funTweeters
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball