@justinmatic5000

Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.

Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.

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@sarcasticmommy4

I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”

@weinerdog4life

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

@usedwigs

Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.

@alanthefisher

You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise

@Mardigroan

Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”

@dafloydsta

WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause

WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet

@whatmaddness

Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.

@RickAaron

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.