Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
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It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….