me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
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I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
The Others (2001)
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?