me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
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Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
sin harder.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
dutch so unserious
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours