Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
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When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”