me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
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When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
😲 WTF? 😆
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Super Hand Dog Face