Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
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“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]