ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
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I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.