Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
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[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast