Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
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My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?