Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
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“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”