Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
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The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?