Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
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yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*