Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
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Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Brilliant!
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Saturday
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this