Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
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Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough