Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
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A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Sponch
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.