me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
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The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
My support group can outdrink your support group.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.