me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
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We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Beauty and the Beast
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball