me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
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Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken