Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
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If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.