me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate

professor: i meant questions about the midterm

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God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.


kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can


take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.


If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.


“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”

“is there a difference?”



All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.


You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*


[taking FRIENDS quiz]

7. Which character do you most identify with?


8. Which is your least favorite character?



wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding