@trevso_electric dam girl
@ch000ch me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
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@trevso_electric 
@thetits Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
@fadethepublic77 Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
@TitaniumToplass The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
@slackerjorge Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
@osigat Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
@Browtweaten me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
@simoncholland I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
@Aikiwomannc David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
@Parentpains Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?