@ch000ch

me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate

professor: i meant questions about the midterm

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@JoParkerBear

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

@GrantTanaka

kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can

@trevso_electric

take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.

@Kendragarden

If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.

@the_hawlk

“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”

“is there a difference?”

“na”

@slaughthie

All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.

@0ne_1980

You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*

@DanMentos

[taking FRIENDS quiz]

7. Which character do you most identify with?

Ross

8. Which is your least favorite character?

Ross

@iwearaonesie

wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding