@ch000ch

me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate

professor: i meant questions about the midterm

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@thetits

Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes

If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily

@TitaniumToplass

The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.

WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?

India’s tiger population is up 30%!

@slackerjorge

Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run

@osigat

Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.

@Browtweaten

me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds

realtor: that just means it’s settling

my fiancee: *creaky sounds*

@simoncholland

I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.

@Aikiwomannc

David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.

@Parentpains

Me: I’ll cook

Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?