me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
You Might Also Like
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
My Plans 2020
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Hero horse inspires millions
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”