@mompsychologist

Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.

4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?

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@Kirangandhi

I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up

@mrjohndarby

publisher: tell me all about it

orwell: it’s about a farm

publisher: sounds good

orwell: with animals

publisher: naturally

orwell: and they’re fascists

publisher: of course

@Ideal_Victoria

I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…

I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.

@longwall26

Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure

@ZackBornstein

GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas

@mjkspeaks

God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.

@coalslag

*Looks left*

*Looks right*

*Crosses road*

*Gets run over by chicken*

@jrza206

Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat