@Kirangandhi I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
@mompsychologist Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
You Might Also Like
@Kirangandhi 
@Mr_Mike_Clarke Boom, boom, ching!
@mrjohndarby publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
@Ideal_Victoria I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
@human_not_bees Teach your children to beatbox
@longwall26 Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
@ZackBornstein GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
@mjkspeaks God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
@coalslag *Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
@jrza206 Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat