Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
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my father died in a conga line and so shall i
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.