me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
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“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Something Saturday.
Money is the root of all wealth
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.