Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
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me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
I ate everything, including the H.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*