ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
You Might Also Like
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.