Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
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When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good