Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
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Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Who does Amazon think I am?
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.