Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
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If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”