Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
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Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them