Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
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Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
also my go-to takeaway order
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints