Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
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Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Squirrels before girls.