@sixfootcandy

Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.

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@sethmeyers

I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting

@WilliamAder

I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.

@SaveItForFest

Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved

@imchriskelly

At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”

@OtherDanOBrien

ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me

@DanMentos

me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS

@MakesYouGiggle

Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…

It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.

@PhriendlyCody

[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?

me: sure. you look like a Tiffany

barista: no i mean a name for the order

me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”

@tealbluejay

Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.

@noog

Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.